The First, The Last

Having a baby, having your first baby is all about firsts.  From the first time you feel them move in the womb to the first time they crawl. But with all those firsts also comes the lasts.  The last time you feel them in the womb before they are born, the last time the roll with style around the house before they realize that crawling is faster, the last time you settle down in the rocking chair to nurse. 

One of the last times he fall asleep on me

 The firsts are so exciting but the lasts are just as memorable. 

The last time that he rolled instead of crawled

I belong to a breastfeeding support Facebook group.   James and I used to attend the support group meeting every Friday, I would get a chance to weight him, before and after feedings, and just a chance to chat with other moms. We don't attend the support group anymore, life got in the way, more importantly naps did but I still keep up in the chatroom.  The other day a mom posted that her daughter is on day 3 of not nursing, that at 15 months she had self weaned herself.  The mom called it bittersweet and I think thats one of the best ways to describe it.  We haven't made it to this point yet, James still nursing between 2 - 4 times a day, but I do feel like it's coming. Cue freedom but also tears. 


I commented on her post by saying 'don't you wish she would have said this will be my last time nursing just fyi' and she responded Oh, my god yes.  To breastfeed is an all consuming activity, it takes over your life for the first couple of months.  You feed your baby every 2 - 3 hours and it takes 30 minutes to do so.  

Asleep after a nursing section early on

It controls what you do doing the day, how you sleep - position and length of time, what you eat, what you drink and how long you can be out of the house.  And during the early months you are jealous of the formula feeding moms, how they aren't tied to their milk production or being the only one who can feed the baby.  Everyday seems like a struggle, questioning if you can produce enough milk to feed your baby.  It's not a relaxing, enjoyable experience and you can't help but think ahead to the days that you will be done and not tied to your boobs. 

My original goal was 6 months and here we are 12 months in and still going pretty strong and I still do think about the days that we will be done. The mornings of where I can sleep in and Wes going to get James from his crib doesn't mean in a minute they will come from me for him to nurse. Or the nights that we can take up all those babysitting offers and go out for a date at a normal time and not waiting for James to nurse before we can leave. The days where I'm not limited to just one drink.  While all these ideas and things float around in my head, I'm not just ready to be done with it, I'm not ready for his last time nursing.  

Oh, big baby stretches 

So, I'm trying to soak it in, remember how he's body looks attached to mine, how he gives me that little smile when I tickle his feet while he is still nursing.  How after he is done, he stretches and does his big baby stretches and almost falls off the poppy. 

So today I will count my blessings that I'm still able to spend these little moments with him but still looking forward to the freedom of when it's over and I can have my boobs back.